Saturday, October 15, 2011

I Want To Digress...

The focus of this blog is fashion and personal style, but I want to talk a little bit about what got me here. I have to admit that I'm scared. I've made major changes in my life over the last several months and now I'm staring at uncertainty square in the face and it scares the hell out of me.

The last three years have been a period of intense personal growth. It has also been very difficult and at times, very painful. It has taken every ounce of courage I can muster up to make the decisions I have, but I'm doing this beacuse I believe deep in my heart that I'm doing the right thing.

I always thought there was something wrong with me. I never had any direction. I can never focus on anything long enough to make it stick. I've learned how to do a lot of things and got good at many of them, but nothing could hold my passion or attention long enough to make a career - much less a life - out of. My life looked like a huge collection of random and unrelated skills and experiences that added up to what?

By the end of 2008 I was a wreck. I was working up to 65 hours a week as a museum security supervisor and commuting 20 miles each way to do so. I was drinking way too much Monster. My road rage was at a very dangerous level. I literally wanted to kill somebody and that terrified me. I knew I had to do something about it. In February of 2009, I got a wake-up call.

On Saturday February 28, I was on my way to work during a snowstorm. As I was entering the highway, I hit a patch of packed snow and lost control. I slid across the road and was hit by a large delivery truck. I bounced back the other direction and landed off the road. I walked away from it with only a small cut on my head. It really made me start to wonder what the hell I was doing with my life. I literally almost died going to work on Saturday, during a snowstorm at a job that I didn't even like.

Over the next two years, I slowly started to wake up. And as I examined my life more and more closely, I could see that there was truly no future on my current path. I wasn't going anywhere in the position that I had and I didn't want the one above me (it was available). So, on February 19 of this year I left my job with no intention of going back and no intention of getting another job.

That might seem really insane and maybe it is, but it's not about just the job, it's about something much bigger. The longer I looked at it, the clearer it became that I could never be happy or satisfied in any job working for somebody else. It looked like bondage to me. There was no real freedom and no real security. There's no guarantee that your job or your health or anything is going to last one minute longer.

We work most of our lives hoping that "Someday" we'll be able to quit and go do what we want. It's not going to happen. There is no "Someday". I knew that if I wanted freedom, I had to stand up and take it. No one is going to give you your freedom. You have to grab it with both hands. That's what this is all about. That's what I am all about. FREEDOM. I am here to encourage you to shake off whatever binds you and and be the free human that you are and are meant to be.

But I am still scared. Every day I face the reality of not knowing where my income is coming from. There are many others who feel the same thing. The only difference is that I chose my path consciously and voluntarily. But the fear brings me to a crossroad. I can turn back and go find another job - possibly returning to my old one - knowing that it will make me miserable or I can hold on to my freedom and my integrity and face the fear.

I choose answer "B". No job or false promise of security can equal what it feels like to be free. It's awesome. No one can tell me who to be or how to live my life. It's mine and I'll do what I want with it. Writing about fashion and zombies and military gear is what I want to do. And that's what brings me here. I hope you enjoy it.


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